


The Rose Knife

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - GTA, Angst, Fake AH Crew, Immortal Fake AH Crew, M/M, Multi, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, Temporary Character Death, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-25 19:53:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4973953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan left before dawn. The only thing he left behind was a knife, stuck in Ray’s bedroom door, and a note.</p><p>--- </p><p>I have canceled this work. I am sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Betrayed

Ryan left before dawn. The only thing he left behind was a knife, stuck in Ray’s bedroom door, and a note.

Ray woke up that morning, his ass sore and the sheets stained. He looked around, noting the disappearance of his partner. He guessed he went out to go murder or something.

That is until he noticed the knife in his door. He questioned it, and pulled it off. It had Ray’s name engraved in it, along with a rose. Ray recognized it as Ryan’s favorite knife. He wondered why he left it, he usually took it with him. The Puerto Rican pocketed the knife, and went to leave when he saw the note on the floor.

It had fallen when Ray pulled out the knife. He picked it up, and read it. It had six words on it.

“I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Something clicked. Ryan had left, and wouldn’t be returning for a long time.

Ray felt anger rise up in his throat. Why hadn’t he said goodbye? Suddenly, sadness overtook the anger. He’s gone. He won’t come back. He left.

Tears flowed down Ray’s face without him realizing. He stared at the note, Ryan’s tidy handwriting staring back. He wasn’t going to be home in a few hours, covered in blood. He wouldn’t kiss Ray, and Ray wouldn’t taste the smoke on his tongue and smell the scent of his aftershave.

Ray covered his mouth, trying not to wake the others.

A knock came from his door, and then a voice.

“Hey, Ray. Breakfast’s ready.” Jack’s voice came from the other side. “Ray, are you up?”

Ray looked up, and then the door opened. Jack took one look at the empty bed, the note, and Ray’s teary face. She sighed and hugged Ray. Ray cried harder, clutching the note in this hand.

After a bit of crying and hugging, Jack convinced Ray to come out. Michael was sitting eating his breakfast, Geoff was pouring himself another drink and Gavin was asking Lindsay if she wanted to go out with him and Michael later.

They all looked at Ray and Jack, smiling. Their expressions immediately changed, all filled with concern.

Ray said nothing, sitting at the table. Jack stood in front of everyone, and everyone quieted down and looked at her.

“Ryan’s gone.” She said. “He left last night.”

Geoff spoke up. “Bah, He’s probably out on a murder spree. Give it a few hours.”

Ray glared at Geoff, who didn’t notice. Jack cleared her throat and Geoff looked up, noticing the stern look on her face.

“Geoff, He left his favorite knife.” Jack said. “The one with the rose.”

That was the thing that set everyone off.

“What?!” Gavin said in disbelief.

“He really did leave?! What the fuck?!” Geoff’s voice cracked.

“I knew that bastard wasn’t to be trusted.” Michael growled.

Ray said nothing, still staring at his lap. 

“Well, where did he go? Can we get him back?” Geoff asked, setting down his drink.

“We don’t know. He left nothing else besides a note to Ray.” Jack replied.

“Well, wait it out. We’ll hear about him on the news.” Lindsay said. “He can’t stay away from murder for long. We learned that the last time, remember?”

But he didn’t show up. Not for weeks.

And those weeks were the most painful.

Ray barely ate, hiding in either his or Ryan’s room. He couldn’t sleep, only if he died would he sleep, only waking up hours later.

Jack worried to death about him. She would always check on him. She knew what would happen if he was left alone. 

Never again.

As much as Ray just wanted to be alone, Jack always dragged him out. He didn’t speak for a while. He only spoke to Jack.

That went on for a month. Until the news came on.

Ray sat on the couch, playing his DS. He hadn’t moved in hours. His eyes were dull and looked sleepless. He had a hoodie on, making sure no one could see his wrists. Jack knew about the scars that littered his wrists. Jack always knew, even without seeing.

The news came on. The first few weeks, Ray always looked up hopefully. He didn’t even flinch this time.

“In other news, The Vagabond has been sighted again…”

Ray jumped up, forgetting his DS and ran to the large tv. He kneeled, looking at the story.

“A large gang shootout between the Vagos and a new gang happened yesterday, The new gang calling themselves ‘The Yules’. The Vagabond, one of the notorious Fake AH Crew, was sighted among the Yules, which leaves detectives scratching their heads.”

A glass dropped and shattered behind Ray, and he turned suddenly. There Geoff was, shocked. He stood there, his eyes wide. 

Geoff suddenly pulled out his gun, hate in his eyes, and walked towards the door. Jack was already there, leaning against it.

“Move, Jack.”

“No.”

“I SAID MOVE, GODDAMNIT!”

The yelling gained the attention of the other crew members. Michael walked in.

“What the fuck is going on?!” He yelled as well.

Geoff had his gun aimed at Jack, who stood in front of the door.

Ray had run after Geoff, trying to stop him. He was behind Geoff, fear and sorrow in his eyes.

“Ryan betrayed us. He went to another gang.” Geoff said, not taking his eyes off Jack.

“What?!” Michael yelled.

“Geoff, I won’t let you kill him.” Jack said.

“He’ll come back anyways, what does it matter?! I just wanna drag his ass back here!!” Geoff yelled, his gun still aimed at the woman.

“Yes, Geoff, but think of Ray.” Jack said softly.

Geoff felt a hand on his arm, and looked down.

Ray stood next to him, his eyes were teary. He met Geoff’s eyes.

“Ray, he betrayed you. He didn’t even say goodbye. Doesn’t that make you angry?! He doesn’t care about you!” Geoff yelled angrily.

“Geoff!” Jack looked at him with hate in her eyes. It was too late.

Ray ran. He ran into his bedroom, locking the door. He could hear Jack screaming at Geoff. He didn’t care, he fell into bed. He stared at the ceiling for hours, an emptiness inside him slowly filled as he thought about what Geoff said.

“He left without saying goodbye!”

“He betrayed you.”

“He doesn’t care about you!”

Ray stared at the ceiling, his chest ached and his stomach growled. It was already dark out when he suddenly filled with anger.

“Doesn’t that make you angry?!”

Ray got up. Yes, it did.

Ray grabbed his sniper, a backpack, and Ryan’s knife.

He unlocked his bedroom door, and left. He opened his window and climbed onto the fire escape.

The cold air numbed his fingers as he climbed down. He had fire flowing through him as he reached the bottom. The streets were empty, Ray guessed it was around 2 am.

He grabbed a motorcycle that was parked on the street, and sped through Los Santos. He had no idea where he was going, but that didn’t stop him. He didn’t stop until his stomach ached and his hands shook.

He slowed down, reaching a gas station. He figured he could steal a couple candy bars. A soda too, if he was lucky. He walked inside, taking a look around. The employee looked bored, and wasn’t looking at Ray as he snatched a snickers off the shelf. 

The door opened, and the employee look up. They became startled at the man who walked in, and ray heard the cocking of a gun.

He looked over, and saw the mask. The mask that left him, the mask he hated.

He wanted to scream. He instead snuck up. He put his pistol to Ryan’s head. Ryan looked over, and the blue eyes in the mask looked frightened. 

Ray saw the eyes and hesitated, before the fire in him grew. He pulled the trigger.

Ryan fell to the floor, the employee screamed. Ray shot them too, only in the shoulder.

He dragged Ryan’s body onto his motorcycle, and rode off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me at megturney-trash.tumblr.com


	2. Adrenaline and Lust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS HAS GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM.

Ryan awoke to the sun rising. The bright light glared at him, making his eyes readjust before he was able to see.

He was on Mt. Chilliad, leaning against a tree. Ray sat in front of him, looking at the sunrise. Ray sighed, before stabbing the rose knife into the soft grass beneath him.

Ryan noticed the lack of mask, and looked around, finding it on the grass next to him. It had a bullet hole in it, along with dried blood.

Ray let out a sob, and Ryan looked over to him. He had his knees against his chest, sobs shaking his body. 

Ryan reached out to touch him, his face filled with concern. He closed his eyes and decided against it. He left his mask, and Ray on the hill

Ray sat there, knowing Ryan had left. He never stayed. Sobs waved over him once more, drowning him in an ocean of sorrow.

He didn’t know how long he was there. His backpack beside him, he sat looking at the horizon. He heard his phone ring many times, ignoring them all. He felt numb, empty. Ryan hated him. There never was any love in their relationship. 

It had just been adrenaline and lust.

Ray picked up the knife. He rolled down his sleeve, tears flowing openly on his face.

There were cuts and old scars littering his forearm. The most recent being a week old. Ray shakily took the knife to his wrist. He pressed down, blood beading on the knife. He dragged the knife across his skin., blood flowing down his arms. He sobbed. 

He sat there, the blood had stopped flowing at some point. Sobs racked his body. He waved in and out of consciousness, but awoke when he heard a chopper overhead. It landed feet away from him, and he looked to see Jack running towards him. She could see his bloodstained hoodie, and her heart broke.

She hugged him, and he sobbed into her. 

“I’m s-so sorry Jack…” He sobbed.

She said nothing, but he knew she forgave him. 

As she landed on the roof of the penthouse, Ray clutching the rose knife, made a promise.

He would never again, love anyone, like he loved Ryan Haywood.

Jack led Ray inside, his head hung as he walked with Jack into the bathroom.

Jack grabbed a first aid kit, and began to patch up Ray’s arm. She made no comments but she was gentle. Ray hissed as she dabbed the wound with alcohol, before spreading ointment on it.

A knock came from the door, along with Geoff’s voice.

“Jack? Are you in there?” 

Jack made no move to open the door, or to even speak.

“Jack. I need to talk to you.” His voice sounded gravelly, like he had been drinking all night.

Jack stood up, and opened the door, much to Geoff’s surprise.

“What?” Her voice was cold towards the older man. “I’m busy.”

Geoff took one look at Ray’s arm and his tearstained, sleepless face. He face fell.

“Ray… I-“

Jack growled, obviously trying to protect Ray. Geoff knew if he took one step into the bathroom he would have a bullet in his head within 2 seconds.

Geoff breathed in, before speaking to Jack.

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” Geoff hung his head. “I’m sorry I let my emotions get the best of me. I’m just….”

Geoff sighed. “I’m heartbroken over this whole thing. I just want him ba-“

Jack held up her hand. “That’s enough Geoffrey.” Geoff smiled hopefully.

“So, do you forgive me?” He asked.

Jack had one tear run down her face as she nodded. They hugged, both teary. 

“I know I can be an asshole sometimes, and I’m sorry.” Geoff said as Jack wiped her eyes. “But I have something else to say.”

Jack looked up. “What is it?” She asked, still wiping her eyes. Geoff beamed. 

“I know how to get Ryan back.”


	3. Stale Cigarettes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of self harm and suicide in this chapter.

Ray’s throat tightened as the crew piled into the heist room. Geoff was getting ready to tell them the plan, and Ray knew Geoff still didn't want to. He knew Geoff wanted to kill Ryan for what he did to them.

Jack was sitting next to Ray, making sure he was ok. She squeezed his hand, and offered a small comforting smile.

Gavin had taken notice of Ray’s distance. Ray spoke to no one besides Jack. He would nod or shake his head if he was asked something. His eyes were empty usually, unless he was playing with Ryan’s knife.

Gavin watched Ray from the other side of the room. Michael sat next to him, grabbing his hand.

“Hey, whats up?” Michael asked the brit, who was still staring at Ray, who was now whispering to Jack.

“Ray’s been acting strange. Stranger than usual.” Gav squinted at Ray, he had once again pulled out the knife, and twirled it in his hands. “Why does he like that bloody knife so much? The prick obviously didn’t even like him, he wouldn’t have left if he did.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, It’s Ray though. He almost threw himself off a roof when he found out I had died for the first time.” Michael was looking at Ray too.

Gavin sighed. “Guess it’s harder for him. He really loved the bastard.”

Michael frowned. “Yeah, I could tell. He never left his side. Maybe the jackass got tired of him.” Michael tensed up after he said that.

Gavin looked at Michael. “What’s wrong, boi?”

Michael’s eyes lit up with fire. “I really want to kill that fucker. He fucked with the wrong guy.”

Gavin scowled. “From what I heard from Geoff, Ray already did.”

Michael looked surprised, his eyes traveled to Ray. He was getting thinner, and he had a kind of glazed over look in his eyes. Like he wasn’t really there.

“I didn’t think he had it in him. How’d he find him?” Michael lowered his voice, because Lindsay had walked in.

“I dunno, but he seemed pretty beat up over it. I caught a glance at what he and Jack had been doing in the bathroom everyday this week.” The brit lowered his voice to a whisper, as Ray had started looking in their direction. “He had a huge gash in his arm. I imagine Ryan did it, after he woke up to find Ray after he had killed him.”

Michael bit his lip and looked at his feet. The curly haired boy knew it wasn’t Ryan who gave him the cut. Rage boiled inside him. _Ryan is gonna have the fiery hot fury of hell dropped on him if ever shows his face to me_ , Michael thought.

Geoff walked in, and rested both of his tattooed hands on the table. The entire crew looked to him.

“Alright. Here’s the deal. We are bringing Ryan home.” Geoff’s eyes had a fire in them, and he himself wasn’t sure if it was excitement or hatred.

Michael stood up, his chair’s metal legs screeching against the concrete.

“No _fucking_ way. I refuse.” He said, glancing at Ray. Ray had put away the knife, but was staring at Michael. “That fucker hurt Ray. I refuse to do this heist.”

Michael went to leave the room, and Lindsay sighed. Ray and Michael were always close. It tore Michael to pieces knowing that only one man could make Ray relapse.

The door slammed, and Ray pulled his knees to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them, keeping them in place. He hid his face from everyone.

Ray didn’t look up until the meeting was over, and even then Jack had to convince him to walk with her back to his room.

After he shut the door, Ray fell onto his bed, opening one of the drawers to his nightstand. It had a couple of old notepads and pens, and a black rubber skull mask in the middle.

Ray tensed up, his mouth gone dry. He reached out for it, and picked it up. No one knew about it. Only him.

Ray put on the mask, it smelled like him. His heart ached as he breathed in his lover’s scent, along with the slight taste if stale cigarette smoke.. He could feel the bullet hole on the back, but the dried blood was gone.

Ray’s throat closed up, he couldn’t breathe. He quickly took it off and put it away, not daring to look back as he laid down, drifting into a deep sleep.

For the first time in a month, Ray dreamed. A piercing pair of blue eyes stared at him, and he couldn’t move. He could feel the eyes watching him, and his breathing slowed. He couldn’t breath, and started to scream, but nothing came out.

“Ray... Ray... Ray...” A deep soothing voice entered his dreams, calming him. “It’s just a dream, It’s okay, Ray. I’m here.”

Ray’s eyes opened, his vision blurred but he could see a pair of blue eyes.

“Who-?” A finger was placed to his lips.

“Shhh. You’re okay now. Go back to sleep.” The man whispered sweetly, his voice soothed Ray to his soul.

Ray, glad that he was allowed to sleep again, gladly cuddled into the warmth of his bed and fell into a dreamless sleep, the smell of stale cigarettes lingering around him.

Michael laid in his bed, Gavin on his right, Lindsay on his left. They were both fast asleep, but Michael was not so lucky.

He wracked his brain for answers to his endless questions.

_Why did Ray love him so much?_

_He betrayed him, left without saying so much as a goodbye._

_Why did Ray become distant? Why did Ray always shut himself away?_

_More importantly, Why did Ray love that goddamned knife so much?!_

A snore from Lindsay broke his thought train. Michael felt his heart ache. His best friend was suffering and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

“Goddamnit.” Michael’s fists clenched. He felt so helpless. He wasn’t even able to help his best friend.

He rolled over, now facing Gavin. He closed his eyes, and willed for sleep.


	4. Bleeding Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has a lot of suicide stuff. Mentions, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions. So, beware.

Ray woke to the scent of stale cigarettes and cheap cologne. He shivered, a cold passing through his bones. He instinctively grabbed for his partner, to pull him close.

His eyes bolted open and he sat up, finding his bed empty. Ray’s stomach lurched as he breathed the scent in, and he ran to his bathroom, vomiting up what little dinner he ate. He sat there, his throat burning and continued to retch dryly, trying to ignore the pain he felt.

When he returned, the scent was still there, but the smell of vomit overruled it. As he put his glasses and purple hoodie on, he looked over to the window. It was open, and cold breeze ran in. The sky was a cold grey, and a soft light entered the usually dark room.

Ray closed the window, and turned. He saw his chair that was usually near his bookshelf was dragged to the corner of the room. He questioned this, and he remembered last night.

The puerto rican felt chills through his whole body as fear came across his face.

_There was no way he did, right? No, of course not. He hates me anyways_. Ray thought, staring at the chair.

He felt the chair, and his eyes widened.

It was still warm, even if it was slight.

Ray let out a noise, like a strangled cry as his stomach churned.

He ran to the bathroom again, and started to retch again, tears poured down his face.

He held his chest, kneeling in front of the toilet. Warm tears slid down his face, onto the cold tile.

_Why, Why?! Why did he always do this?!_ Ray thought, his heart ached and his nose burned.

_He likes to play with your heart_. A nasty voice in his head said. _He always loves it when you come running back._

_No, it couldn’t be true. Ryan was such a nice guy. He would never do this_.

_Ah_ , the voice said, _That’s where your wrong. He did this before, remember? He took off for six months, and only returned when he caught wind of what happened. He plays with you, and he knows it._

Ray’s eyes swung open. That’s how he had to get him back. He thanked his voice, and stood up.

Readjusting his glasses, Ray entered his room. He threw open the window, and climbed through. He climbed up the fire escape, and reached the roof. The cold wind passed through him, chilling his bones.

Ray walked to the ledge, and looked down. His stomach lurched and he held himself, shaking at the sight.

Everything looked so small. His legs shook, and he felt bile rising in his throat again.

Ray felt his phone vibrate, and looked at the caller ID. He recognized the number, and took a deep breath. He answered and put the phone up to his ear.

“Ray! Where are you?! Did you run off again?”

Jack’s voice was frantic, yet somehow relieved.

Ray smiled softly, and sat down on the ledge.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” He lied, controlling his breathing. “I’m just taking a walk. Y’know, to clear my thoughts and shit.”

He heard Jack sigh. “Well, ok. Get back soon, Breakfast is ready. Geoff made pancakes.” And with that, she hung up.

Ray felt tears in his eyes. He couldn’t do this to her. She was practically his mom. Ever since he mentioned his mom abused him, she had taken up the maternal figure role in his life. She did for everyone in the crew, actually.

Ray let out a shaky breath. He needed to let go. Ryan didn’t love him, the voices were right. Ray kicked his feet that dangled over the edge.

“I’m over you. I don’t need you. You hurt me, I shouldn’t love you.” He whispered to himself. “You hate me anyways. Why should I give a shit about you? I’m over you.”

Ray took another deep breath. He started to chuckle, and it eventually turned into a laugh.

“Oh, I’m pathetic.” He said breathlessly, staring at the clouds. “My first breakup and I’m about to throw myself off a roof.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic.” Ray turned, his hand reaching to his belt, before realizing he didn’t have a gun.

Lindsay stood, leaning against the door that led up here. She seemed to have a pained look on her face.

“L-Lindsay…” He whispered, and his face paled.

Lindsay walked over to Ray, and plopped herself next to him.

There was a silence. Ray looked at his hands, trying to decide what to say.

“S-So….” His voice found itself. “You heard that, huh?”

Lindsay looked into the clouds, she was smiling softly, and the soft grey reflected into her eyes.

“You aren’t pathetic. It’s perfectly normal to grieve after losing someone.” She said, not taking her eyes off the clouds.

“People all take grief differently. I lost my parents at a young age, and resorted to suicide.” Lindsay’s eyes teared up, but she didn’t cry. “Michael found me. I was on a bridge, about to jump. He told me I was a dumbass, and that no matter what, you should always value your life. You only have one.”

She chuckled. “That was before we found out about our immortality, but I’ve always kept those words in my heart.” Lindsay turned to Ray, who was taken a back that Michael had said such a thing.

“Even now, If you jumped, you would fuck yourself up. Taking your own life is not a thing to be taken lightly.” She had pain in her eyes, yet she smiled. “You should know that, more than any of us.”

Ray relaxed visibly, and stared at Lindsay, before looking at his hands.

“I hope you know how much we all miss him. No matter what Michael or Geoff says, they do. It’s only a matter of time before he comes back.” Lindsay put her arm around Ray. “Even if he is a motherfucker who betrayed the crew, We all want him to come back. Even if he wants to or not.”

Ray smiled at her. He closed his eyes, and then looked at the sky. Lindsay could be pretty wise sometimes.

“I understand.” Ray said softly, and looked at his hands. Lindsay smiled at him.

“Lindsay?” Ray looked at the red head next to him. “Stay with me up here for a while?”

Lindsay nodded. “Sure, Ray.”

\--

When the two returned, they had come in from the front door. Jack smiled at him, and he grinned at her and Geoff, who was still making pancakes.

Ray sat down and dug in. Michael wasn’t up, and Gavin was on an early morning mission.

As he devoured his eggs, Michael walked in, and he froze at the sight of Ray eating.

Ray looked up, and swallowed hard. He smiled at Michael. “What’s up, dude? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Michael looked surprised, but shook his head and grinned at his best friend. “Glad to see you’re back to your old self, jackass.” He joked, punching Ray on his shoulder lightly.

Ray smiled sheepishly, and scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

Michael sat down in between his friend and wife. “You up for some Halo after breakfast?” He asked as Jack dropped a plate of food in front of him.

Geoff yelled from the kitchen. “Michael don’t forget, you promised to get the package from Fugz today!”

Michael cursed under his breath, and Ray smiled sympathetically

“Scratch that, let’s play after you get back. We’ll have time then.” Ray said before downing a glass of orange juice.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Michael said, eating a piece of bacon.

\--

It was 11 PM. Michael had gone to bed with Gavin and Lindsay, but Ray had stayed up. He wanted to smoke, but forgot he used up his stash and needed to sell what he had. So he decided to go on a snack run.

He walked down the street, his sneakers slapped on the wet pavement. It had rained earlier, but it stopped an hour before.

Ray entered an alley way, not noticing as a shadow slipped away the moment he entered. His mind was on other things, like why Ryan had been in his room last night. He hadn’t told anyone.

_It’s just creepy_. He thought, _He left me, and now he watches me while I sleep? Seems pretty stalker-ish. Like, crazy ex much?_

Two people jumped in front of him, and he looked up. One had a bat, and the other had brass knuckles. They both wore Ray raised an eyebrow.

“Alright, homie. Hand over your phone and wallet. We don’t wanna kill you.” The man with the bat told him, the other staring intimidatingly.

Ray snorted. They obviously had big balls for fucking around in the FAHC’s territory, especially after what happened to The Creatures.

The man with brass knuckles growled.

“What’s so funny, chorra? Hand over the fucking money!” He yelled, putting his fists up.

“You assholes fucked with the wrong guy.” Ray smiled, and went for his gun. He grabbed at it, but his face paled as he searched for it, patting around his body.

He looked at them, and he started back up into the wall. The two Mexican men grinned.

“L-Listen, we can work something out, right amigos?” Ray asked, putting his hands up, trying to act casual. “Do you know who I am? I’m Brownman! You don’t really think you can take me on, do you?”

The two men laughed. “Looks like we’ve got another one claiming to be Brownman.” One said, hitting that bat against the palm. The stared down at Ray, who smiled nervously.

Next thing Ray new, he was on the ground, getting the shit kicked out of him.

He had a bruise on his face and a bloody nose. His wallet and phone were gone, and they both were taking turns kicking him in the gut. They stopped, and Ray sat up, leaning against wall. His breathing was shallow, and he held his side.

They both laughed and turned away, counting his money. Ray saw his chance and took it.

He stood up and ran at one of them, wrapping his arms around his neck.

The man choked, and his face turned purple. Ray kept putting pressure, before earning a bat to the side of the head. He stumbled backwards, letting go of the man. He saw stars, and his head felt like it had split open.

Ray fell onto his ass, and looked at the two, who were enraged. He bared his teeth threateningly, trying to seem tougher than he was.

He felt a punch against his face, before two fat hands grabbed his throat, restricting air into his lungs.

He choked, and grabbed the hands as they lifted him up. His vision blurred, and he opened his mouth, trying to breathe.

The man let go, letting him fall to the ground. He gasped, and coughed. His own hands went to his throat, rubbing as he turned and looked at them both.

One of them pulled out a switchblade, and Ray tried to crawl away. The other grabbed him, and held him arms behind his back.

They stabbed him. Once, Twice, Three times in the gut before they dropped him again. He felt his blood flow out of his stomach, and his vision faded.

Two gunshots rang out, and the two men fell over. If Ray wasn’t already in so much pain already, he would be wondering who killed them.

He saw a man run up to him and he wanted to scream.

The face paint was smudged and faded but he knew it was him.

He felt hands press against his wounds, trying to stop the bleeding. Ray clenched his teeth, even though he was immortal it still hurt like hell.

Ryan’s face showed determination. He held down on the wound with a piece of shirt he ripped off. Ray cringed, a groan of pain escaped his lips.

“Fuck, sorry. Hold still.” The voice was demanding.

Ray breathed shallowly, trying not to move. He stared at Ryan with one eye, the other held shut.

“Why… Are you here…?” He breathed, rage boiling inside him.

Ryan frowned. “Stop talking, your throat is still fucked up.” He said, still holding down.

“Get… the fuck… away from… me…” Ray said, cringing as Ryan let go and sighed.

“You just got fucking stabbed and you wanna do this now?!” He raised his voice and stood up, his icy blue eyes stared at Ray.

Ray glared, his breathing slow and painful. Ryan hadn’t changed. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

Ryan knelt down, and picked him up. Ray struggled, but once he felt Ryan’s grip, he knew he wasn’t getting out of this.

“I… hate you…” Ray whispered, his consciousness fading.

“Good.”

That was the last thing he heard before everything went black.


	5. I Hate You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of self harm in this chapter. Kind of just filler, a cool down for the next few chapters. Stay tuned <3

Jack paced the living room. Ray hadn’t come home last night, and wasn’t answering her calls. She knew Lindsay had talked to him and he had been doing a lot better, but he still wasn’t stable.

Geoff sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Tomorrow they were going to attempt to get Ryan back, but now he wasn’t sure. From what Jack had said, he hadn’t come home last night. Michael was sent to find him, but he hasn’t returned either.

Lindsay looked at Jack, she hadn’t slept all night, and it was showing. She sighed.

“Jack, stop pacing. You’re making everyone nervous. He can take care of himself.”

Jack stopped pacing, and she looked at Lindsay with a concerned look.

“Lindsay, what if he-?” She was cut off by the front door bursting open, and everyone instinctually pointed their weapons at the intruder.

Michael stood there, breathless. He hadn’t taken his car because he knew Ray couldn’t have gone far, but had soon regretted that.

They lowered their weapons, and Jack sighed.

“Any luck?” She asked as he sat down. Michael nodded.

“I found a couple of bodies in an alley, both shot in the head. I searched them and found these.” He pulled out a wallet and phone, and Jack held her breath.

The brown wallet had a rose engraving, Geoff got it specially made for Ray’s birthday, which could only mean that the phone was Ray’s too.

Jack started chewing her lip. “He didn’t get kidnapped, did he?”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t think so, otherwise they would’ve taken these with them.” He said, dropping the wallet and phone onto the table.

“I think he got hurt, badly. One of them had a knife with dried blood on it. There was a bit of blood on the concrete too, but it was hard to tell whether it was Ray’s or not.” Michael sarcastically explained, lighting a cigarette inside.

Geoff frowned at the idea. “No blood trails or anything?” Geoff inquired. “Nothing?”

Michael shook his head.

Jack sighed, and sat down. “At least we have some idea. Maybe someone saved him?”

Everyone’s face darkened. They knew who she meant.

Michael spoke up after a moment of angry silence.

“If that fucker took him-“

“Michael, we don’t know what happened. It could’ve been anyone.” Lindsay reminded him.

“What about Gav? Heard anything from him?” Michael asked, on a lighter note.

Jack shook her head. They had sent Gavin too, but they hadn’t heard from him.

Geoff frowned and looked at his inked hands.

_Where are you, Ray?_ He asked himself.

\--

Ray sat up immediately when he woke up, and regretted it instantly. His cringed and laid back down, pain shooting in his gut.

He opened his eyes, and realized he didn’t have his glasses. He looked around, and found them after some searching.

The room smelled of Ryan. Everything about him. The slight blood smell he always had on him, the cigarettes, the cheap cologne, everything. It was a perfect mix.

Ray felt his stomach and felt bandages wrapped around his abdomen. He could feel the small bumps of stitches under them, and thanked god that Ryan knew his shit.

Ray slowly sat up, looking around. It was an averaged sized room. It had a dresser on the right of the door, along with a door that Ray assumed led to the bathroom. There was a chair next to the bed that had Ryan’s coat draped on it.

The door opened, and Ray reached for the nearest weapon, which turned out to be a small throwing knife. He held it up, ready to protect himself.

Ryan walked in. He had no face paint on, and stopped at the sight of Ray holding the knife. He relaxed when he saw it was just Ray, but Ray didn’t.

“Why the fuck did you save me?” Ray hissed, his voice was almost non existent and his throat hurt when he spoke, but he ignored the pain.

Ryan sighed. He knew this was coming. He sat down in the chair. Ray didn’t lower the weapon.

“Ray. I know you're upset. I didn’t even say goodbye. You’re in pain.” Ryan’s throat tightened when he remembered the shock of finding Ray’s scars. “I want to explain everything.”

Ryan paused. He looked at his hands, and clenched them, his knuckles turned white.

“Then start talking.” Ray’s voice was filled with venom that made Ryan’s heart ache.

Ryan sighed and hung his head. “I can’t.” He said, his voice pained.

Ray had not been expecting this. He lowered the knife slightly, the sound of pain in his ex lovers voice hurt him. He regained his composure, and spoke in a firm tone.

“Why not? I want answers. You owe me, Haywood!” Ray raised his voice, and regretted it. Pain shot in his side, and he cringed.

“Don’t push yourself. You’re pretty beat up.” Ryan changed the subject, and stood up. “Are you hungry? You’ve been out all day.”

Ray was about to get angry when he felt his stomach rumble. He nodded.

Ryan grinned. “Good. Lemme get something for you to eat.”

Ryan walked out, leaving Ray alone in his thoughts.

“Goddamnit Ryan.” Ray whispered, eyes tearing up. “Why won’t you answer me?”

\--

Ray devoured the sandwich Ryan had brought him. Ryan chuckled when Ray started praising him, like it was the old times.

“Holy shit, You’re the best.” Ray absentmindedly said as he stuffed his face. He hadn’t eaten in a good 14 hours. Ray tensed up at his own words, and quickly followed them with “I didn’t mean that. I still hate you.”

Ryan smiled at his nonetheless, admiring his ex lover.

Ray swallowed, and then downed half of the water. He gasped for air, and sat back, his head hitting the headrest.

Ryan watched him with slight amusement. He hadn’t expected this to happen, at least not for a while.

His face darkened. He knew if The Yules found out about this, he would be fucked.

Ray stared at Ryan. His mouth was thin, and his eyes dark, but Ray was still in awe of how handsome he looked.

His jaw was as strong as ever, and he had stubble on his chin. His hair was long and in a ponytail, just how Ray liked it.

Ryan looked at Ray with amusement, raising an eyebrow. A blush formed on Ray’s cheeks and he looked away. Ryan smiled, Ray frowned.

“I still hate your guts.” Ray said, looking out the window.

Ryan sighed. “I know.”

There was more silence, before Ray spoke again.

“Why won’t you answer my questions?” He asked, looking Ryan in the eyes.

Ryan broke eye contact and looked down. He bit his tongue.

“I can’t.” He said, looking Ray in the eyes.

Ray stared into his eyes. There was something in them that looked trapped.

“Why not?” Ray asked.

Ryan clenched his teeth. “I can’t tell you anything.”

Ray was getting annoyed now. “Tell me why you left.” He demanded.

Ryan’s icy blue eyes met his. They were both getting annoyed with each other.

“I. Can’t.” Ryan’s eyes pierced Ray’s. He could feel shivers down his spine, but ignored them.

“Why won’t you fucking answer me?!” Ray yelled, ignoring the pain in his stomach.

Ryan stood up, making Ray shut up. Ray immediately regretted the decision to yell at an already pissed off Ryan, but glared at him.

Ryan sent chills through Ray as he looked at him. “If you fucking listened to me, you would know that _I can’t_.” Ryan’s voice was cold, and made Ray unsettled. That was the voice he used in interrogations.

Ryan moved to the door, and opened it. Ray watched him, a frown on his face.

“Get some rest. Geoff will be on my ass if you don’t.” His voice was sweet but seemed exhausted by the fighting. He closed the door behind him.

Ray frowned. _Why was he always like this? Does he think he can just get away with walking out on me?_

Ray sighed, and laid down, arms outstretched on either side of the bed. He stared at the ceiling.

“You can trust me, you know.” Ray whispered to himself. “Even though I hate you, I still trust you.”

Ray felt himself tear up and looked to his left arm. A new bandage was on his most recent cut, and his throat burned.

Ryan had seen it. He saw his arms. Ray covered his eyes his arm, and a tear slid down his face.

_I’m so pathetic._ Ray thought, _I_   _hate myself._

“But not as much as I hate him.” He said aloud, not knowing Ryan was still outside the door, listening.

Ryan sighed, at picked up his gun. He left the apartment, leaving Ray to rest.


	6. My Rose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal Thoughts and Actions this chapter. Mental illness stuff too.

Ray looked at his reflection. He was pale, a deep purple bruise showed on his face. He had a split lip and both of his knees had been scraped.

He had a gigantic bruise going around his neck. It didn’t hurt to talk anymore but it hurt when you applied pressure. More bruises were on his ribs, and it hurt when you touched them.

He still had bandages wrapping around his flat stomach, and Ray always needed to bite down on a towel when Ryan cleaned them. They were healing, though.

Ray could stand now, but needed to hold onto things in order to walk. It had been a week since he last saw the crew, and Ryan was very hesitant to answer any questions still.

Ray sighed. He just wanted to go home. He knew if he stayed he would do things he would regret.

Ryan had already slipped up. He had come home one morning, exhausted, and sat down next to Ray, who had been reading.

“Rough night, huh?” Ray asked, not looking up from his book.

Ryan nodded. He watched Ray, not taking his eyes off him.

Ray felt unsettled. Ryan usually spent time with him, but he still felt unnerved when he felt his cold blue eyes stare at him.

Ray sighed, and closed his book. He slowly got out of bed, only to trip on his slipper.

Ryan’s reflexes were quick. He caught Ray, and Ray was caught off guard. His arms went around Ryan’s neck, and Ryan smiled sweetly.

“Are you okay, Rose?” He asked, before realizing his mistake.

Ray fell out of his hands, and stood up as quick as he could.

“Oh, fuck. Sorry, Ray.” Ryan said, reaching out. “Do you-“

“No, I’m fine. Just going to the bathroom.” Ray held himself up using the foot rest, and slowly shuffled into the bathroom, before slamming the door, and covering his mouth. His ribs were killing him, and the pain he felt in his stomach was unreal.

He fell onto the floor, sitting against the door. He was shocked, he hadn’t heard that name used in a while. It had brought on a new wave of pain.

“Holy shit.” He whispered into his hand.

Ray heard a knock on the door, and turned around.

“I’m sorry about what happened.” Ryan’s voice came from the other side. “Are you okay?”

“D-Don’t worry about it.” He said as he stood up. “It was an accident. Things happen, it’s fine.”

Ray wasn’t sure if Ryan was talking about the name or the fact he dropped him.

Ryan sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay. I’m heading to bed. Have a good night, try to get some sleep.”

Ray felt his heart ache. He sat down on the bathroom floor and held himself, trying to ignore the longing sensation.

\--

Ray shook his head, clearing the memory from his mind.

 _He didn’t mean it._ The nasty voice said. _He doesn’t care. No one does. Why do you think the crew hasn’t found you yet?_

Ray put both hands on the bathroom counter, and held himself up.

“No, no of course they do. They just don’t know where to look.” Ray told himself. “Ryan is taking care of me, anyways.”

 _That may be true, but look at Ryan._ The voice retorted, _He doesn’t answer any of your questions. Did your time together even matter? He dashed it all away in an instant._

“No, he cares. He does, why would he be helping me if he didn’t care about me?” Ray said softly, his too long hair falling around his face.

_Does he? He’s just taking care of you so you’ll have sex with him. That’s all he wants. He wants your body._

“No, no, no! Get out!” Ray raised his voice. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong.”

 _Am I?_ The voice giggled. _He doesn’t trust you. He barely even wants you anymore. He hates you._

 _In all honesty_ , The voiced drawled on, _You’d be better off dead. Too bad you can’t die. You are just a waste of space._

Ray clenched the sink counter, tears fell down his face. He let out a sob, and broke down.

He curled into a ball, sitting upright against the white bathroom wall. Sobs waved through him.

Ryan didn’t care. Why was he even here? He didn’t care.

“Ryan…” Ray choked out. “Fuck…”

Ray wiped his eyes, but that made no difference. Tears kept pouring. He slowly stood up, and looked around.

There was nothing usually in there, nothing he could use anyways.

He looked under the sink, and smiled sadly.

A single, silver throwing knife sat in the cabinet, and he grabbed it.

He sat down again, a held it to his wrist.

He let out a sob, and covered his mouth. “Fuck, I can’t do this.” He whispered, still sobbing. He covered his face with his arms.

“Fuck… Ryan.” He sobbed out, “Ryan…”

 _He doesn’t care! Just do it! End your pathetic life!_ The voice demanded.

Ray took a deep, shaky breath, and place the knife on his wrist again. Right when he dragged the knife across, the door opened.

Ryan stood there, his face filled with worry. Ray quickly hid his wrist and the knife, but Ryan had already saw.

“Ray…” He whispered gently, making Ray’s throat burn with guilt as he looked away.

Ryan walked to the smaller man, and knelt down. His eyes had a sadness in them that made Ray feel even more guilty.

“Let me see.” It wasn’t a request. Ray looked away, and held out each arm. One still held the knife, the other was still bleeding.

Ryan gently took the knife, and placed it on the counter. He grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinet, and used a gauze to hold down Ray’s cut, his hands gentle.

Ray kept his head down, looking at the tile. He couldn’t bear to look at Ryan. He felt Ryan clean his wound, and bandage it.

“Ray.” The voice spoke gently, causing Ray to look up, meeting his clear blue eyes. “Please don’t do this. I can’t stand to see you in pain.”

Ray felt his entire body seize up as Ryan picked up his hand and pressed his against his mouth. He could feel the scruff on the older man’s face, and his slightly chapped lips.

His face lit up with red, and he stopped crying from shock. His heart beat out of his chest as Ryan picked him up. They left the bathroom, and Ryan gently placed Ray on the bed, who was still in shock.

Ryan turned to leave, before he heard Ray speaks to him.

“Ryan… Do you… Do you hate me?” Ray’s voice was quiet, and unsure.

Ryan turned, a concerned look on his face.

“Oh god.” Ryan whispered. Ray looked away.

“S-sorry, I just thought that-“ Ray was cut off by Ryan cupping his hands around Ray’s face, turning it upwards to look into his eyes.

“When did I ever give you that impression?” His voice was pained. Ray looked into Ryan’s eyes, and his whole world froze.

Ryan’s eyes were watery, his lips were slightly parted. Ray could see the pain on his face, and his eyes widened.

“Words cannot describe how much pain it brings me when I see you hurt.” His voice was soft and kind, yet filled with sadness. Ray felt a tear fall down his face.

Ray went silent. He just stared at Ryan, who eventually let go, and walked to the door.

“Please get some rest, Ray.” Ryan opened the door, and left.

Ray reached a hand up to his face.

 _What a fucking asshole,_ Ray thought, unable to stop the tears running down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is Megturney-trash! come say hi!


	7. Update

After thinking it over, I've decided to cancel this story. The storyline just does not interest me anymore, and I have absolutely no inspiration for it. I'm sorry.

I will be creating new stories, and actually have one in the works right now! I'm expecting it to be done later this week, but I cannot promise anything.

Again, I am very sorry. I will end up deleting this sooner or later. Thank you for supporting this story.

-Sam


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